My battle against paranoia

I have OCD. I get really paranoid about things that are nonsensical to be paranoid about. For instance; I can't swim in a lone swimming pool, because I fear that there might be a shark or a crocodile at the deep end. I bought a ring the other day, and I keep thinking that it's radio-active, and I've going to get radiation poisoning from it if I wear it...




- sigh, probably ionising my hand as I speak (fucking paranoia)


I thought today I should make a little post about paranoia.

It's been quite a recent development for me, where I've been thinking more positively about things, and tried to be a more relaxed person, and it's actually been working. However, something I've really only just come to is how optimism doesn't just cover 'thinking about things that are situational in a positive light', but also it stretches out to 'thinking about the possibilities of things in a realistic light'.

Here's what I mean...








- Click on the picture so you can read it







I drew that picture myself by the way. I'm suprised I didn't make an error in it, but I suppose I'm the most skillful person in the world! (That's delusionally positive)

I think 'optimism' is about taking a situation, and interpreting it in the most helpful way to you.

People will probably wonder why I have bothered to mention the delusionally positive way of interpreting the situation, since only people with a Bi-Polar condition might think like that. But I feel that it helps to outline that when it comes to predicting the eventual possibilities of what something means (like a bald patch), it's best to just be realistic about it, and not interpret it in the most positive way, like you should when you are interpretting the situation itself, not just what it might mean (the bald patch itself; thinking that it might actually be cool to have a bald patch for example).

When it comes to predicting the chances of things happening, it's very important you keep realistic, so that you don't go so paranoid and cynical and get stressed and feel horrible, and also so that you don't go delusionally positive and wind up acting on the delusion and putting yourself in a really bad position (for example, thinking you can beat up this gang of football hooligans all by yourself, and then acting on that, and having the crap beaten out of you).

It is optimum to interpret factual situations in the best light (like: "I didn't pass that exam, but I think this is good for me, now I will be inspired to try harder"), and it is optimum for you to interpret uncertain situations in a realistic light, so you act the best way on them and put yourself into the best position you can... hence optimism.









Situations you know exist - interpret in the most positive way

Possibilities - interpet pieces of evidence in the most realistic way (unless you're acting on faith, which is another ball-park, wait a second, I'm British! I meant another cricket-pitch. Because faith doesn't need evidence, and it's not a bad thing (I'll go into this some other time)).

I'm tired but want to write

I'm a little hungover today, but I think it's so good to have a blog and write in it a lot. It's kind of like a diary in that way, except it's open to everyone looking at it.

I know that there are different techniques about how to do good blog posts, well, probably, I haven't checked that out really. I am infact trying a technique for this one. The technique is (I heard this off a film one time) write what you want to say with your heart, then go back over it and edit it using your head. That's what I've done to make this blog post. {No I actually haven't, I decided not to go back over it when I got to point CBA (cannot be arsed)}

Writing is kind of a really cool thing, in my opinion. It's sort of similar to when someone does a well prepared speech. They arent just coming out with those well-crafted words in that order, off by heart. There's been a lot of thought put into what they are going to say. A piece of writing is the same in that way, and it's a chance to convey things to people in a really well structured way. Not only to people, but to ourselves. I mean, I can look back over what I've just written, and if I do, I'll probably get a better understanding of what direction I should go in with this article. I'm not sure how to describe the enrichingness of writing, because I'd need to think about this a lot more. It's only been something that's crossed my mind relatively recently; and it's not yet kind of formlated in my mind in a logical order yet (the explanation of why writings good).

If you don't have a blog or a diary, they are wicked! Get one

Ahhh :D, I've just packed a lip. For those that don't know what Dip is, it's smokeless tobacco. It's not chewing tobacco, because god knows how that will destroy your teeth.

{Point CBA}

Take a look at da picture...





- This dirt-like substance in the tin... is dip.








- The stuff between my (gorgeous) bottom lip and teeth... is dip.






I think I've conveyed the idea now.

It's from America. I think it's banned in the UK because it's thought to appeal too much to children. Naturally, the USA doesn't seem to care much about this. (And I'm talking about the government, not the people).

A sunny day

I'm feeling rather hot today, the sun is out, and my long hair's not helping the matter either.

I look outside and dotted about are groups of people in the sun, relaxing and having fun. I'm here in my room alone; I suppose that's the outcome of only having 3 friends, heh, one of them being my ex-girlfriend, who doesn't really fancy seeing me right now.

Over the last few weeks I've noticed a steady rise in my OCD activity. I know that now I really should start ignoring it to get the level back down... And I will. I shouldn't have let it slip to begin with.

Ah, today I bought a cooler box type thingy, complete with 2 ice packs. I plan to make a smoothie after every drunken night's antics and put it in the cooler box, so that when I wake up in the morning I can roll over and grab the smoothie, for some nice nutrients to get me going for the day. Otherwise I'll stay in bed awake for a couple of unnecessary hours.

I went and got some lavender essential oil today too!... Wait a minute, did that exclamation mark make me look sad?... Not as sad as me asking if it did. Erm yes... I got some some of that nice lavender oil stuff today - the plan in mind, is that I can use it when massaging myself; no, not a dirty massage. I mean, I'm going to learn some self-massage techniques to help relax myself. Ugh, I know that didn't make it sound any better, but innuendo can be so hard to avoid nowadays. Saying "nowadays", I've only lived for 20 years, and been aware of innuendo for 9 of them.










I'm desperate to pull a girl, god I am. I'm not sure if only people who know some English slang will get that, but it means "Sleep with a girl", in my case anyway. But it doesn't matter now, you know what I mean. But I have to say, that is not the ultimate objective in my mind, honestly. I just want to flirt, and probably bring one back to mine and cuddle and talk. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm supposed to be a guy. Well anyway, I reckon tonight I'm probably not going to the university bar, because my mate and his girlfriend are probably kind of bored of that, since they know it'll just be me urging them to help me pull all night.

I'm off to do some revision. Bi bi.

A victory against booze

I've been 'heroic' tonight, and I've not gotten drunk. If you check the information about me, it'll mention that I'm a bit of an alcoholic. I beat the habit tonight by following a nifty plan...

I go to the gym at 9pm, and when I get back, I just wait a little (enjoying my exercise induced endorphins) until it's 11pm, and hence impossible for me to actually buy any alcoholic drink. Before I buggered this plan up, I actually was pretty stressed out in the day and decided to start getting drunk at 6pm.

You see, I'm alone in my flat and I get bored, so indulging in drink is kind of what I end up doing. I believe tomorrow I'm going to check-out some advice on-line, about beating alcoholism. My cognitive behavioural therapist told me today that it could be a clever idea to put aside the money that I'm not spending on alcohol and save it (to be spent on something nice later), and in so that hopefully may motivate me to stop getting drunk so often. I suppose little cognitive tricks like that may actually really help; because DAMN, it's so nasty to just rely on willpower.

Well anyway, today I broke the chain of about 20 nights in a row getting drunk. There was this one 'black sheep' of a night where I only got a bit tipsy, but I won't let that break the chain. I doubt my liver is worrying about this technicality. It's probably thanking the lord for this day of rest.

Yes so... I've only just started the blog and at the moment I'm just trying to get a first post done, so look at the full stop after this last word.